In Defense of the Office Birthday Cake

IN DEFENSE OF THE OFFICE BIRTHDAY CAKE. A weekly column by Prudence.

Last Monday, every employee at my company received a memo from our chief executive, Mr. Okeke, announcing that birthday cakes would no longer be permitted in the office. The reasons given were three: cake is unhealthy, it encourages people to gather in the kitchen when they should be working, and, I quote, "it creates crumbs." I would like to respond to each of these in turn, and then to make a modest proposal.

On health, I concede the point at once. Cake is not a vegetable. But nobody in the history of employment has ever been made seriously ill by a single slice eaten standing up beside the microwave. And if the company is genuinely concerned about our health, I would gently point out that it is the same company that installed a vending machine selling nothing but potato chips.

On productivity, I have done some arithmetic. There are one hundred and forty of us. If every birthday cake costs us fifteen minutes, which is generous, the whole year adds up to thirty-five hours of lost work. Our last reorganization meeting, I happen to know, lasted three days. Had those three days been spent eating cake, we would probably have reached the same conclusions, and in a far better mood.

But my real argument is not about minutes. It is that the birthday cake is the only occasion on which the people in this building actually speak to one another. Where else would someone from accounts discover that the quiet man from IT grows prize-winning tomatoes? Where else would a new employee, three weeks into the job and still eating lunch alone, be handed a paper plate and asked, with some urgency, whether she prefers the corner piece? I have seen more problems solved over a cake than in any meeting, largely because people are far more honest with frosting on their fingers.

The crumbs, I admit, are real. I propose that we deal with them as adults: with a dustpan, which I will personally donate.

And so, to my proposal. Were the ban to stay in place, we would lose something that no memo can replace. I therefore suggest that the company keep its rule, but allow one exception: any cake brought in to welcome, thank or say goodbye to a colleague. That, of course, covers every cake ever made. Next Thursday is my birthday. I will be in the kitchen at three o'clock, with a chocolate cake, a dustpan and a spare fork for Mr. Okeke. I very much hope he comes.